Male-ish Bonding

Male-ish Bonding

When Intellectualism stormed away from Conservatism, Daoism felt he could help. The only reason he didn’t was that he simply was never going to. A man may be strong enough to jump in the midst of crocodiles and manage to wrestle one down, but if he had any sense he would keep his feet on the ground. Silently, Pragmatism walked up behind Daoism, putting a hand on his shoulder in silent agreement and pouring him another cup of wine.

Nihilism Walks Through Nowhere

Nihilism Walks Through Nowhere

A dusty road he would have never imagined his mismatched shoes gracing stretched before him like fate, another thing he knew didn’t matter. He didn’t believe, period, but he did remember. The crater stood in the same place dozens had fled from years ago. Nihilism had been mayor here in his teens, after all. He was so young. Not one to fall into the black pit of nostalgia, he walked on.

Dadaism Seizes the Narrative

Dadaism Seizes the Narrative

Hedonism lit more cigarettes than usual. Existentialism understood. He, too, could wait until the tense midmorning left him.

He felt like an asshole.

He felt like a winner.

He wasn't at home.

“You see how I can use Intellectualism to completely hijack a story line?”

Pragmatism frowned, “Great job, Dadaism, but you’re the only one amused.”

A grin painted onto a dirty canvas was Dadaism’s face: “Logic. Two things constructed the same must be similar to each other in some respect. Amused rhymes with confused.”

Pragmatism considered playing along to end it, something about Dadaism needing to become “disabused” of his obnoxious ideas, but inevitably took the simpler route. He called Geology for a ride home.

Introduction to the Utilitarian Children

Ideal Utilitarianism—concerned solely with maximizing intrinsic goods

Hedonistic Utilitarianism—concerned with maximizing happiness

Introduction to the Utilitarian Children

Ideal Utilitarianism’s face darkened as he saw his sister, Hedonistic
Utilitarianism, heavily munching on the free snacks in the grocery store.

“Hedonistic Utilitarianism,” he greeted coldly, jostling his shoulder. Smirking, she turned to him.

“What did I do now?”

“You threw out my paintings.”

“They were ugly.”

“They were Art!”

“Ugly art has no use. My side of the apartment is my side. I didn’t want to look at them. Do I need to call mom?”

Always with that annoying face, that infuriating staccato way of imposing speech. Ideal Utilitarianism was so frustrated and imposed upon, he considered moving in with Optimism, even though he knew he couldn't leave his sister unattended.

Lifelong Friends

Cast:

Suicidology-- the study of suicide

Thanatology—the study of death

Lifelong Friends

Whenever Suicidology received a phone call, someone’s day was not going as planned. She knew off-the-way dive bars, however, where she could meet Thanatology and they could talk, even laugh, about their days. Still, they weren’t welcome guests in the bright center of social life, instead forced to be content with the periphery until someone famous met a grisly end. They had prepared, however, for celebrity death; both had keys to a secluded cabin. A man may want a drink of water, but he rarely asks to be thrown over a waterfall.

Ideogeny Braids

Cast:

Ideogeny- the study of the origins of ideas

Ideogeny Braids

Ideogeny brushed and smoothed out her long, white hair, her toes resting lightly in a clear-flowing spring. Braiding her hair took days-- not including the selection of adornments that she would work into her rough locks. Although she could travel quickly, she preferred to create slowly and then move on.

Sometimes on a sunlit day like this, lilies floating in the peaceful stream, bird chirping and everything still, Ideogeny stared at her wizened hand and couldn’t remember ever seeing it look like that before.

Dadaism Leaves

Cast:

Dadaism-- cultural movement rejecting standards of art and utilizing nonsensical production

Humanism-- "a doctrine, attitude, or way of life centered on human interests or values" (Merriam-Webster)

Dadaism Leaves

Dadaism tried to rush around, tried to be involved. It’s harder for a person to be busy, he reflected, when they are so unwanted. Still, rejection produces emotions easier to deal with than…what he didn’t want. Humanism had once told him to take things slowly and believe.

Nothing could be more painful than happiness, experiencing and remembering it. Dadaism, that night, needed to drive into the desert, cut down a cactus and drag it behind his truck.

Geology Leaves

Cast:

Geology—the study of the Earth’s crust

Geology Leaves

Geology was a man with simple clothes and simple tastes. He was usually pulled into Psychology’s massive social gatherings unwillingly, but this particular one seemed dapper and well-catered. While he wasn’t fond of the stuffiness, the food was exceptional.

He felt something sharply jolt the back of his head. He turned around to see a waiter glare at him unapologetically. Frowning, he observed the man, with his beady eyes and a particularly grotesque mole on the side of his neck. He would have thought Capitalism could have hired better help.

He decided to leave. As much as he appreciated Psychology’s consideration, getting hit in the head by stale pieces of bread by angry waitstaff was no way to spend an evening.

Sunday in the Park with Symbolism

Cast:

Eudaimonism— “ A system of ethics that evaluates actions in terms of their capacity to produce happiness.” (Dictionary.com)

Symbolism— “the use of symbols to represent things such as ideas and emotions” (Wikipedia.org)

Philosophy—“a discipline comprising as its core logic, aesthetics, ethics, metaphysics, and epistemology” (Merriam-Webster)

Sunday in the Park with Symbolism

Eudaimonism and Symbolism spent their Sunday listening to the radio in a small, overlooked park. Common’s “Go” played into the raw expanse of trees. Sunlight dappled down on top of them. Philosophy was walking up slowly, either going to join them or not.

“I think maybe rap is the new exaltation of woman that Song of Solomon or Gupta literature was.”

Eudaimonism laughed, “Don’t let Sexism or Feminism hear that. Conflict should always be avoided when it can.”

“What do you think?”

A soft wind tickled the bottoms of twirling leaves. Eudaimonism leaned his head back,

“I like your idea.”

Symbolism laughed-- a liquid sound from her petal-pink lips. She lightly ran a slender finger along the top of a single dandelion.

Pacifism Copes

Cast:

Pacifism—belief in opposing war and violence

Pragmatism—belief in finding practical solutions to problems

Pacifism Copes

At least the alley was empty.

“Oh my god, I’m going to die from being annoyed…I don’t want to die from being annoyed…I’m so annoyed…”

Pacifism felt like bugs were crawling up his arms. Criticized, yes, and so snake-like were their tongues—

He slammed his head back on the brick wall behind him. He was ready to explode, and even his inner monologue had given out. His thoughts made no sense.

“Bad day?”

His eyes shot open. A waiter from the party had come outside to smoke a cigarette.

He stared at him as if he were the first person Pacifism had ever seen. He noticed the mole on the side of the man’s neck, his right eye, which hung slightly lower than his left and his not unattractively mismatched nostrils.

“I’m a little frustrated right now,” replied Pacifism, surprised by the grit in his throat.

“You’ll be all right,” said the waiter, leaning against the brick wall, “I’m sure you will.”

Uneasy, Pacifism stumbled back into the melee of a social gathering he had previously escaped from. Pragmatism, seeing he was disturbed, laid a placating hand on his upper arm. Mumbling an excuse about the bathroom, Pacifism shirked the hand, avoiding all possible contact.

Living with Existentialism

Cast:

Existentialism-- "A philosophy that emphasizes the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience in a hostile or indifferent universe, regards human existence as unexplainable, and stresses freedom of choice and responsibility for the consequences of one's acts." (Answers.com)

Pragmatism-- doctrine emphasizing practical solutions

Living with Existentialism

Existentialism had been on the couch for three days, and Pragmatism doubted his patience would last much longer. He needed to switch roommates so badly.

"Get up," he said, hitting Existentialism's foot. With wide eyes, Existentialism looked up at him.

"It's for the best, you know. That she moves on."

"Stop that," Pragmatism wondered whether a pillow or a bucket of ice water would wake up or shut up the depressed Existentialism better.

"And that I deal with these feelings, and learn them-- Psychology's so beautiful, you know, and so cruel."

"You are overreacting. Did you know that?" Pragmatism sat down on the coffee table, a paternal air about him, "She didn't say she would never see you again."

Pragmatism hadn't planned on being a therapist this morning. He hadn't wanted to, and he was silly for indulging his roommate for as long as he had. Existentialism smiled a melancholy smile and patted Pragmatism's hand where it lay on the back of the couch.

Seriously. A new roommate.

Eudaimonism is Satisfied

Cast:

Eudaimonism— “ A system of ethics that evaluates actions in terms of their capacity to produce happiness.” (Dictionary.com)

Eudaimonism is Satisfied

A cup of chai in hand, Eudaimonism smiled lightly as he strolled the grounds of his cabin. He heard splashes from his pond, fish or frogs, and the wind gently blew through the trees. He went by the cage which held a wounded owl he had found limping and fluttering on his back lawn one morning. The bird seemed to be healing.

Good. This part of life, this morning, was good. Eudaimonism was satisfied.

Primitivism Gets Popular

Cast:

Primitivism—the belief that the style of living in less modern times is superior in some way

Primitivism Gets Popular

Getting in contact Primitivism was not easy, yet many attempted it. Those wishing to live “simpler,” “greener” lives strove to find him and wring from him his knowledge on survival without modern convenience. Primitivism was, frankly, disgusted. That his beliefs would become a modern style constituted a sublime nightmare. Even animal sacrifices, while one girl did run off screaming, could not give him peace of mind and, more importantly, peace of cave.

Functionalism's Secret

Cast:

Functionalism-- doctrine emphasizing utility and function; belief that mental states can be defined only by their function

Functionalism's Secret

Functionalism had a secret love of Daft Punk—secret, because she hated to be ridiculed. When she was alone, she even did the Robot. She supposed Utilitarianism knew about her tastes, but if he did he didn’t say anything. She would dress up in her room. She would find striped socks on the floor and wrap them around her wrists, feeling as if she were plumbing the depths of her psyche and happy to be alone.

How Calvinism Lives

Cast:

Calvinism— “The religious doctrines of John Calvin, emphasizing the omnipotence of God and the salvation of the elect by God's grace alone.” (Answers.com)

How Calvinism Lives

Calvinism enjoyed his secluded country house with its high wooden ceilings and small cadre of maids. If he were in the mood, he would invite a few friends over for mind discussion and good food. He had calmed down, he sometimes reflected as he sat on his back porch in the evening watching the sunset over rolling green hills. Although he found it sad to think his heyday had come and gone, he found it heartening to think he would never have to have such a heyday again.

The Determination of Grounds for Meaning Conference: Library Harassment

Cast:

Alethiology— study of the nature of truth

Deism—belief either that a supreme deity created the world and that this can be discovered with the use of reason or the belief in a deity without limit by doctrine or organized religion

The Determination of Grounds for Meaning Conference: Library Harassment

Idle hands being useless, Alethiology threw conferences on discovering the truth about various subjects. This year, he would orchestrate The Determination of Grounds for Meaning Conference. He organized. It was what he did. He walked through libraries, a conditioned and happy home for him, for organizing purposes. His conferences were sweet group validation, and he expected Deism to be excited about it. Deism tended to be a less than enthusiastic team member, but this vague protest never amounted to much. No matter Deism’s usual resistance, eventually he would be exited.

“Are you excited about my conference?” Alethiology asked, passing by Deism, who was stirring his coffee idly with two small red straws. Sucking the end of one of these straws, Deism attempted to cultivate the mien and aura of someone who did not want to be disturbed.

“Are you really asking me that?” he threw back. Alethiology was undeterred,

“Who else would I be asking?”

“Someone who cares?”

“Shouldn’t you care?”

“Can you give me one good reason why?”

“Are we going to play Questions?”

“Shouldn’t you find Surrealism for that?” Deism was less amused by the game than he wanted to let on, yet he still wanted to win.

“Isn’t Surrealism…gone…?”

Deism smiled, “You’ve always sucked at this game.”

“Statement!”

“I know.”

A short silence pervaded the library’s nook as the two finally looked at each other without agenda. They were fondly annoyed with each other.

“Of course I’ll come, and I’ll participate, but stop expecting me to be excited all the time.”

“Deal,” Alethiology briskly sidled through the library, stalking his next victim. Deism found he could no longer concentrate on his book, instead sipping his coffee and staring out of the window.

Those Roaches

Cast:

Orthopterology-- the study of cockroaches

Those Roaches

Orthopterology was only popular in one instance, and that was to deal with "them." As if not saying their names would make "them" go away. He wondered at the amount of fear "they" managed to strike in all sorts of people. He could understand sanitary concerns and even the horror of the occasional beastie in the ear, but he felt his roaches had something to offer the mind other than fear.

Wasn't it impressive, that "they" could learn the smells of their poisons and learn to avoid them? A pile of boric acid would do a infestee about as much good as a flyswatter. Actually, the swatter would be more useful-- one of the few things roaches couldn't withstand was a good, hard smash.

He wasn't saying he was going to cuddle a cockroach when he went to sleep. Orthopterology just thought a healthy respect for a natural survivor wasn't too far out of order. After all, "they" were an active and pervasive nuisance, but they certainly wouldn't be going away any time soon.

Nihilism Propagates

Cast:

Stylometry-- studying literature by means of statistical analysis

Pragmatism—“a practical approach to problems and affairs” or a doctrine “marked by the doctrines that the meaning of conceptions is to be sought in their practical bearings” (Merriam-Webster)

Nihilism—the belief in nothing

Utilitarianism— “a doctrine that the useful is the good and that the determining consideration of right conduct should be the usefulness of its consequences”
(Merriam-Webster)

Psychology—the study of the mind

Nihilism Propagates

Stylometry had been sharing her observations about the length of sentences in David Hume’s work versus that of Charles Dickens’ when those assembled had decided desperately to change the subject. Pragmatism, backed by a slightly tired Utilitarianism, had started an argument about the inconvenience of believing in nothing when the individual clearly was when Nihilism rose, seemingly put out.

“Where are you going?” Pragmatism leaned back in his seat with his black, milked tea.

“I have to go spend time with my kid.”

Pragmatism could hardly believe himself, “Why do you have a kid?”

Nihilism shot him a scathing look, “How do kids normally come about? I had sex with Epistemology. I thought at the time that I could learn something, but in the end she knows about as much as the rest of you.”

“Which is?” asked Psychology, amused and already sure of the answer.

“Nothing.”

After he left, no one felt like continuing a conversation wherein the primary antagonist had disappeared. Psychology appeared thoughtful, examining a split end of her honey-colored hair with vague interest.

“He’s probably very angry in bed,” she commented. Utilitarianism was made singularly uncomfortable by this forward comment, and wandered out of the room.

Hillshire Farms Commercial

Cast:

Vegetarianism-- diet excluding animal flesh, but not necessarily animal products such as milk or eggs

Hillshire Farms Commercial

They did a cheer. It ended, "Go meat." That couldn't be.

She brushed her teeth. She still heard it.

She walked outside, running her hands along the fresh green spring foliage and feeling alive. But it was still in her head.

Catchy mother-bleeping commercial. Managed to combine two of her nightmares-- the cheerleader one and the sausage one.

Go...meat...

Daoism and Buddhism

Cast:

Daoism(Taoism)-- religion usually centered around the elusive Dao(or Tao)

Buddhism-- "The teaching of Buddha that life is permeated with suffering caused by desire, that suffering ceases when desire ceases, and that enlightenment obtained through right conduct, wisdom, and meditation releases one from desire, suffering, and rebirth." (thefreedictionary.com)

Daoism and Buddhism

Daoism and Buddhism usually got along. Their secret was less that they liked each other personally and more that they knew how to be around each other. When they met, they spoke only as far as they had to. If one of them saw something of note, they would simply point. They knew by the tilt of the other’s head whether there was anything of note to hear. If nothing was of note, they sipped their tea and simply let their breath be their answer to the world.

Bromatology's Picnic

Cast:

Bromatology—the study of food

Geology—study of the Earth’s crust

Psychology—study of the mind

Veganism—the belief in excluding all animal products from the individual’s diet

Vegetarianism—the belief in excluding all or most animal flesh from the diet, but often accepting the consumption of milk, egg or fish ingredients

Bromotology’s Picnic

The picnic tables were lined with checkered tablecloths, and each seat held someone who was both hungry and excited. Geology, for once, was glad he had been dragged out by Psychology, even if she insisted on making bets on whatever she could with him. Bromatology, with the help of his assistants, set forth the feast he had cooked up. As he passed by the publicly affectionate Vegetarianism and Veganism, Veganism snatched the crisp, white material of Bromatology’s jacket. Psychology roughly patted Geology’s upper arm, directing him to watch; one of their bets involved the happy lesbians.

“What can we eat?” asked Veganism, content to take the lead in this situation. Vegetarianism smiled loopily at her.

“Everything!” shouted Bromatology, spreading his arms wide across the table. Their smiles faded.

“What is vegetarian and vegan?” asked Vegetarianism, calmer than her girlfriend.

“Oh, ladies, ladies, walk with me,” Bromatology led the couple across the lawn,

“Walk and tell me why you would limit your food choices in such a tragic way?”

After a four-handed push, the expansive backside of Bromatology lie bruised on the lawn. Vegetarianism and Veganism stormed away, and grudgingly Geology handed over a small amount of money to a smug Psychology.

Colonialist Past

Cast:

Colonialism— “control by one power over a dependent area or people”(Merriam-Webster)

Colonialist Past

The thin layer of dust about the thirtieth floor window did not mar the view of the skyline. Colonialism was not well-liked, but he did not try to be. When he was younger, men listened to him because he had much to say. His past was all that mattered to him now, when the younger ideas all wanted a shot at him. He wasn’t prepared to deal with them. He once was, and that was enough. After all, everyone on Earth knew of the Seven Wonders of the World, even if many of them no longer stood. Or woolly mammoths and saber-toothed tigers—were they any less of a marvel because they no longer plodded or hunted? They weren’t good or bad, just big. Colonialism reached into his vest for his pocket watch. He was to meet Industrialism at the lodge. With one more thoughtful gaze at the city, he reached for his wallet and left.

What Romanticism Watches

Cast:

Romanticism-- artistic and literary movement centered around strong emotion

Romanticism loved watching new fathers touching hands of their babies. She also loved watching lovers having public fights in expensive restaurants. If there were giant blooming bursts of fireworks in the window behind them, she was even more pleased. As long as she was careful to watch the best things to see, Romanticism was a content observer.

Possibly Panspermatism

Cast:

Panspermatism-- belief in origin of life from extraterrestrial germs

Biology—the study of life

Astronomy—the study of celestial bodies

Possibly Panspermatism

Panspermatism was not usually an angry person. It was the army of “possibly” that attacked her every day that had begun to wear down her patience. She would go to see her uncle Biology, for instance, in the Galapagos Islands.

“Really, after all we know, I think the intricacies of life are still a mystery,” he would say, and Panspermatism would get excited, seeing her chance to impress her uncle, and then she would speak up.

“Probably, though, life begins when spores that are already in the universe create most life as we know it.”

“Possibly,” he would then say, and she would wince, “Why don’t you go ask your other uncle, Astronomy.”

If she did ask Astronomy, she would get a “possibly” or a “maybe” or “that’s interesting” or even “I won’t say you’re wrong, but…”

Like bees, they bumped against the sides of her head, convincing her that each dismissal brought her own opinion down less. She was slowly dying of possibility.

Hedonism is Happy

Cast: Hedonism

A cloud had moved over the moon, and a girl was crying in happiness. This was how he liked it, when the wine flowed freely and bodies jostled each other on the dance floor and off.

Hedonism wandered into a nearby field, touching the magnolia blossoms as if they were the last he would touch, even though he would touch many more. He breathed deeply and ran a hand down his chest, and then lower. He stopped, dropped to the ground and ran his hands through the grass. He was happy.

Geology Makes a Friend

Cast:

Geology—study of the Earth’s crust

Psychology—study of the mind

Cetology—study of whales and dolphins

Nihilism— the denial of all real existence or the possibility of an objective basis for truth

Theology-- study of religion and religious doctrine

Geology Makes a Friend

Every seat was taken. Geology carried his drink gingerly, looking for somewhere to sit, hating himself for coming to a fast-paced party in the first place. He was much more comfortable in small gatherings, or even at outside festivals, but crammed-in house parties made him claustrophobic and nervous. Psychology could always talk him into doing things he wasn’t interested in, though.

He went into an adjoining room to find more of the same: bodies crammed into small sofas, or sitting all over the floor. He spotted Nihilism arguing with Theology in a corner. Nihilism had seated himself and his hair gel on the floor in front of a primly disapproving Theology, trying hard to keep her legs covered although she was seated on a hard-backed chair in front of him. Geology felt a hand on his shoulder.

He turned, it was Psychology.

“Having fun?” she asked, eyes glittering, “Isn’t it interesting how Nihilism has gained the upper hand by taking the position of the lower person? Just fascinating, isn’t it? I’m sure Feminism would point out the use of the skirt by society to keep women weaker even when in the dominant position, but I guess she could spread ‘em and scare him off if she wanted to. He’s a weird one. Well, hang in there, relax!”

The torrent of talk over, Geology nodded, unexpectedly feeling a little better. He went into the next room, and spied his holy grail, an empty seat. Unfortunately, it was right next to Cetology, who smiled a nervous and self-effacing smile. Forgetting for the moment social hierarchy and his distaste of hearing someone drone on about something he didn’t care about, he sat down and expected the usual litany of whale-related information. Surprisingly, Cetology was silent under his mussy hair and outdated glasses. They stayed like this for a few more minutes. Geology couldn’t take it.

“Aren’t you going to tell me about the humpback, or how sad it is that there are no longer norwhales?” he asked.

“I’m just so glad someone is talking to me,” said Cetology meekly. Geology laughed.

“Want to take a walk around the grounds?” he asked, finally relaxing. Weights seemed to drop from Cetology’s shoulders, as well.

“Maybe we’ll find a Pilocene whale fossil.”

“Maybe.”

And they walked out, cups in hand, chatting amiably. Despite also chatting with a few avant-garde art movements, Psychology glanced at the two figures strolling across the lawn and smiled knowingly.

Meeting with Ideogeny

Cast:

Ideogeny—the study of the origins of ideas

Panspermatism-- belief in origin of life from extraterrestrial germs

Sensualism-- belief that ideas originate solely in sensation

Zoism-- doctrine that life originates from a single vital principle

Meeting With Ideogeny

No one thought meeting in a backwoods restaurant with Ideogeny was the best idea, but it was one they could all tolerate. Zoism and Panspermatism were the chief organizers, and they glared at each other fiercely from across the table. Sensualism just wanted to eat, and ordered everything he could from the menu. Ideogeny had yet to show up, leaving stilted conversation.

“At least it isn’t cold,” said Zoism. Panspermatism didn’t answer, instead watching Sensualism devour his salad.

“Did you just come along for the food?” she questioned.

“Why else?” Sensualism smirked, openly ogling a disgusted Panspermatism. Zoism grabbed her arm.

“She’s coming…”

Ideogeny indeed was entering the restaurant, her long, white hair tied up onto the top of her head with bright orange patterned fabric. Some of it, Zoism reflected, must be fake for her to have so much hair at her age. The older woman walked directly up to their table.

“I cannot tell you who is right,” she said, “only how you have come to think in the way you have. Is that what you want to know?”

Panspermatism was put out and disgusted. She slammed a hand on the table to push herself up, spilling all of their drinks, and left, muttering to herself about “the truth” and nonbelievers. Sensualism ran his hand across where his iced tea and hot chocolate had soaked his shirt. He smiled.

“I’m going to the jungle,” declared Zoism, turning to Ideogeny and motioning at Sensualism, “have fun with that.”

Ideogeny watched her leave. Then, she fetched a handful of napkins to clean off the seat next to Sensualism. He motioned the waitress over and ordered another iced tea and hot chocolate.

“So it was good, then?” asked Ideogeny. Seansualism, putting his elbows in the messy debris on the table, leaned forward.

“Yes, but I have not yet tried,” he licked a bit of whipped cream off his arm, “tasting them together.”

Ideogeny was pleased and impressed, “Neither have I.”

What began for both of them as a stressful morning then became a delightful, long afternoon lunch.